Stuck in the Middle

I have become of the the most indecisive people on the planet. I'm trying really hard to trust my feelings on things and to think for myself but it's really hard. I've allowed myself to rely on others to help me make decisions for so long that this solo thing is a little stressful. I want to just do everything my heart tells me to but it's so scary. And I've noticed that when I finally decide something, there's something else that comes up and makes me question my decision.


I pray about things all the time. Sometimes I ask God to show me a sign that I'm doing what is right. I know that's stupid but I just don't want to keep making the same mistakes. The thing is I've lied to myself so many times just so I can go with the popular opinion, just so my friends or family won't be mad at me. Even if that meant not doing what my heart wanted me to do. I'll come up with every reason in the book to back up my decision, knowing in my heart it's a choice I didn't want to make. And I've been consumed with what people thing for so long it's ridiculous. Especially in the end when I'm the one that has to deal with the consequences of that decision. When I'm in my apartment thinking about things that I've done, I'm alone. The naysayers aren't there. It's me and my box of Kleenex thinking, "What did I do?" or "Why did I do that?".

I've decided recently to follow my heart about something and it turned out to be a little too late. I put all my cards out on the table and basically said, I've been wrong.... A LOT and I'm sorry. It didn't work in my favor and to be honest, it's ok. I sort of expected that. I didn't expect it to hurt that bad, but I expected the outcome. So now I've just decided to let go and move on. In trying to do that though I keep getting put in these situations that are telling me that letting go is not the right thing to do. It's so hard because I'm completely clueless. I know what I want but I don't know if it's the right thing. I keep praying about it but I haven't gotten an answer yet, I think. I'm not even sure I would know if I had been given the answer already. I'm just so confused.

The Reading Queen

So I've begun to notice that whenever I'm about to fly to New York I buy a new book. For Thanksgiving it was The Notebook and over Christmas it was Nights in Rodanthe. Yes, I'm a fan of Nicholas Sparks. I can't wait to see My Sister's Keeper in the movies so last week I picked up the book. Now usually, I'm slightly annoyed by a delayed flight, but I started the book and hardly noticed I had been sitting for 3 hours. I started on a Thursday and by Saturday night I was done. It is pretty amazing. I've had a rough couple of days but some of the passages in this book seemed like they were talking right to me. Kind of like I was meant to read them. Corny? Absolutely! Do I really care? Not so much :) FYI, I've completely forgotten how to properly quote from a book so bear with me. Here are my faves:

"There are some things we do because we convince ourselves it would be better for everyone involved. We tell ourselves that it's the right thing to do, the altruistic thing to do. It's far easier than telling ourselves the truth."

"We are a study of contrasts-hard to soft, fair to dark, frantic to smooth-and yet there is something about the fit of us that makes me realize neither of us would be quite right without the other. We are a Mobius strip, two continuous bodies, an impossible tangle."

"The earth's axis wobbles. Life isn't nearly as stable as we want it to be."

"You don't love someone because they're perfect....You love them in spite of the fact that they're not."

Since I had finished My Sister's Keeper while still in New York, I picked up Michael J. Fox's Always Looking Up: The Adventures of an Incurable Optimist. Now I have loved Michael J. Fox since he played Alex P. Keaton. I read his other book and LOVED it so I figured I'd give his new one a shot. With the week I'd been having, I needed a little optimism. I just started it yesterday and I'm halfway done. I've found a couple little gems in it as well. He quotes other people a lot and one by Jim Hightower (no clue who he is) really made me laugh.

"Even a little dog can piss on a big building."

And another by Christopher Reeve states, "Don't give up, don't lose hope, don't sell out."

And this one by Michael J. Fox himself seems to be my favorite, "You suffer the blow, but you capitalize on the opportunity left open in its wake."

I've read all of these at just the right time that I needed to. I know there are no coincidences with the Lord. He knew what i was needing to hear. I share them with you in the hopes that if you need them, here they are, and if not, you know where to find them for future reference.

Happy to be Nappy...Sort of

Most people that know me are aware of the fact that I could start my own United Nations with the different nationalities that make up my DNA. What I find quite irritating is the constant feeling of having to prove my Blackness, Latinaness, Whiteness, or Native Americanness to people. I was in court (for work) one day and was having a conversation about hair with some of the other women who work there. I had mentioned that I needed to find a hair salon because I was due for a relaxer soon and my hair was getting nappy. This one woman almost fell out of her chair the minute the words left my mouth. She said, "Oh please! Do you hear her? Her hair is nappy?! I'm not even talking to you anymore." Now, this was the first time she had ever said it but since then, anytime the topic of hair comes up, she says it after anything I happen to say. She's not the only one I've ever heard this from either.

Now hear me out. I do understand that my hair is not as nappy as some, but make no mistake, it gets nappy. There are better things I could be doing with my $70 every other month than getting my hair relaxed. And since when do we measure our Blackness by how nappy our hair is or how often we straighten it? Am I any less Black because I relax mine every other month and you do yours every three weeks? And if that's the case, aren't you decreasing your Blackness by relaxing your hair in the first place? Why don't you go natural and sport an afro if nappiness proves Blackness. And since when is there are Blackness scorecard? Do you get 5 points for relaxing your hair every couple of weeks? 10 points for being dark skinned. 20 points if you were raised in the ghetto. Did I mention the woman who made the comment in the first place was married to a White man? Minus 5 points. I'm kidding! But you get the point that I'm trying to make.

And while we're on the topic, let me just throw it out there that who I date is a personal decision that has nothing to do with anyone else besides me and the guy I'm seeing. If I find you attractive and you ask me out I'm going. It's that simple. Am I attracted to lighter skinned men? Yes. Does it mean I have something against dark skinned men? No. There are people who really want to come down on me for that but I can't understand why. I see it as broadening my horizons, making our world a little more colorful. I just don't understand how some people see it as a betrayal to my Blackness. I've never dated an Asian man before does that mean I don't like Asians? No! And who's to say you're not being close-minded by only dating people that are the same race as you? Hmm... What happened? No comeback for that huh?

We go around calling each other brother and sister but if you were really my sister wouldn't you just want me to be happy? Would my boyfriend's skin tone really matter? Would how many times a year I visit the hair salon be that important? I'm sure there are enough people in this world who would stand in line to put us down, why do we have to do it to each other? How about we stop measuring nappiness and start measuring humanness? Instead of asking someone how often they relax their hair, ask them when was the last time they helped someone who was in need. How about you ask someone when was the last time they did something nice when no one was looking? With everything that's happening in our country, isn't there something better we could be doing than wanting people to prove themselves? Stop. Just stop.

I'm off my soap box now. Love, peace, and hair grease.