Stuck in the Middle

I have become of the the most indecisive people on the planet. I'm trying really hard to trust my feelings on things and to think for myself but it's really hard. I've allowed myself to rely on others to help me make decisions for so long that this solo thing is a little stressful. I want to just do everything my heart tells me to but it's so scary. And I've noticed that when I finally decide something, there's something else that comes up and makes me question my decision.


I pray about things all the time. Sometimes I ask God to show me a sign that I'm doing what is right. I know that's stupid but I just don't want to keep making the same mistakes. The thing is I've lied to myself so many times just so I can go with the popular opinion, just so my friends or family won't be mad at me. Even if that meant not doing what my heart wanted me to do. I'll come up with every reason in the book to back up my decision, knowing in my heart it's a choice I didn't want to make. And I've been consumed with what people thing for so long it's ridiculous. Especially in the end when I'm the one that has to deal with the consequences of that decision. When I'm in my apartment thinking about things that I've done, I'm alone. The naysayers aren't there. It's me and my box of Kleenex thinking, "What did I do?" or "Why did I do that?".

I've decided recently to follow my heart about something and it turned out to be a little too late. I put all my cards out on the table and basically said, I've been wrong.... A LOT and I'm sorry. It didn't work in my favor and to be honest, it's ok. I sort of expected that. I didn't expect it to hurt that bad, but I expected the outcome. So now I've just decided to let go and move on. In trying to do that though I keep getting put in these situations that are telling me that letting go is not the right thing to do. It's so hard because I'm completely clueless. I know what I want but I don't know if it's the right thing. I keep praying about it but I haven't gotten an answer yet, I think. I'm not even sure I would know if I had been given the answer already. I'm just so confused.