January: The month without gossip

Yes folks it's true. Your eyes are not deceiving you. Stacy Cowart is going to go an entire month without gossiping. Anyone that knows me is well aware that as much as I try to deny it, I love some good gossip. I'm going to say it's in my genes because my mom and my aunts are the queens of it. So you see, it isn't entirely my fault. I try to make an effort not to gossip, but I always get sucked in if I hear others doing it. It's hard when you're sitting in a restaurant with friends and they start a story about someone, everyone adding their two cents. You want to add yours in, you know it's wrong, but you can't help yourself. Before you know it, your two cents is five dollars. Any story that starts with "Girrrrl let me tell you....." is 99.99% of the time gossip territory. I'm guilty. I've chartered those waters many a time, and this is why I want to stop. It's not healthy. It's pointless. And let's be honest, it's just not nice. If I really want to "do better" this year I need to start out strong. Go hard or go home, right?

So you may be asking yourself what does giving up gossip entail? It's not just the words coming out of my mouth. I am not only curbing gossip from rolling off my tongue, I'm giving up gossip magazines. No more People, Life & Style, Us, etc. No more gossip blogs. I'm even going to give up The New York Daily News online because let's be honest it's 50% real news 50% gossip and I don't want to be tempted. And the one that may be the hardest yet, I'm giving up Facebook. Yes, Facebook too. I struggled with this one. The truth is, I like Facebook because it has helped me to reconnect with a lot of people. BUT (not just in caps but bold) a lot of times I'm on there trying to find out the latest scoop. For example, who's gone up/down in weight, who actually married the dork from high school, why someone's relationship status suddenly disappeared, who got a little too drunk and posted pictures, etc. When you break it down to the nuts and bolts, I'm on Facebook gossiping.

There it is. I will not gossip the entire month of January. I hope that it actually has a lasting effect. I'm not saying that I will never gossip again in my life, although that would be awesome if I could really do that. I just know gossiping is my bad habit and I'd like to curb it significantly if not all together. Cross your fingers for me and say a little prayer, this is going to be tough.

Doing better

Okay, it has been forever and a day since I've actually posted anything. The funny thing is that when i was actually blogging, I felt better. Since i haven't been writing, I've felt kind of blah.

Anywho, my New Year's resolution is going to be to "Do Better". I want to be a better Christian, daughter, sister, friend, coworker, blogger, etc. (Side note: Get with Jenny about how to add pictures to this thing) Whatever it is that I'm doing, I want to do it better in 2010 than I did in 2009. So going along with that theme, I've decided that every month in 2010, I want to give up something. I'm not looking at it as a form of punishment, but more like let's see what happens without it with the hopes of maybe not spending so much time with it in the future. That was a serious run on sentence but stay with me. For example, I watch way too much TV. I know this. I've said it over and over again, but it still doesn't curb my TV watching and having a DVR does not help... at all. So for one month I'm going to give up TV. Now it would be easy to do in January or the summer because most of my shows are on repeat at that time. But that would be cheating and it would defeat the purpose of the whole experiment. So I'm thinking February or March. Now I know that I will most likely not give up TV forever but at least not having it for a month will show me a lot of things I can do with my time besides staring mesmerized and the light in the corner. Know what I mean?

I have a couple of ideas for things to give up already but I'm going to keep it a secret until that month comes up. I figure it's a good way to keep me blogging. Although one of the things I was planning on giving up was the internet so it would be hard to do that and blog.... but we'll cross that bride when we get to it. So stay tuned.

Have a great one!

I'mmm Baaaaack

Wow, it's been a little while since I've written anything. The past month and a half have been a little trying but through the grace of God, loving parents, and good friends I've made it through. It just seemed for a while that one problem led to another one and another one but it's ok because I'm still here and everything has worked out for the best.

Lately I've just been thinking back on what's gone on and it just kind of made me sad. I wasn't sad for myself, but really sad for someone that I had thought was my friend. I didn't do anything to this person but she felt the need to try to hurt me over and over again. I did feel hurt and pretty angry at first but I've come to realize that I'm not the problem. I didn't do anything. Now that things are kind of over I find myself really feeling sorry for her. I constantly keep her in my prayers. Sometimes I do get a little upset at myself for not seeing this person for who they were sooner. I just didn't want to believe that someone I called a best friend could be so malicious towards me. I don't understand it really but I guess it's not for me to understand. I'm just grateful to be out of the situation that I was in and still have my sanity.

I've Learned That...

On my way to work today I kept thinking of Proverbs 3:5-6 which says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." I could not get the passage out of my head. I found myself saying "I trust you Lord", "I believe in you Lord" over and over again. I've just come to realize that it is true that He doesn't give us more than we can handle. God believes in me, and I should do the same. He never promised that we'd come out of the storm unscathed, just that we'd make it out. I believe that more right now than I ever have before.

That being said, I jotted some things down in my notebook two weeks ago that I've been wanting to post and kept forgetting about. This morning's "reflection" in my car served as a good reminder.

I've learned that...

...patience is really a virtue and I'm not that virtuous, but I sure try to be

...when you really love someone, it doesn't matter how much time has passed, you still get weak in the knees when they walk around shirtless (at least I do)

...it's okay to be guided by your heart

...sometimes you have to make decisions you don't want to, but in the end you're better for doing it

...when you choose to be happy and optimistic it changes every part of your life

...there are people in this world who will try to bring you down with them no matter how nice
you are to them and all you can do for them is pray

...the world will not come to an end if I spend my entire weekend on the couch, it just can't become a habit

...watching a child play and have fun is the ultimate cure for an emotional ailment

...when you don't take the hint, and feel the nudge that the Lord is trying to give you, he will kick you in the butt until you pay attention

Today's Service

Today's church service was the first in a three part series about the lies society wants us to believe. I was really moved by the service and so I've decided to dedicate this post to it. Let me just put out there that Pastor Lafoon made it sound much better than I can sum up but you'll get the gist of it. I'm just going to post the highlights. Today he focused on lie #1 which is:

I am a helpless prisoner of my past.

He started by saying the only power that the devil has over us is the power we give him and that God has the power to rescue us from the pain of our past. He went on to say that we are not helpless but are held prisoner by how we have responded to our past. Many of the prisons we make have become darker because of how we respond to them. He said at the very essence of being set free and making our souls whole is to face our past.

Here are the 5 points he gave to do just that:
1. Refuse the seduction of denial
2. Renounce the lies that have been spoken over you as well as the ones you've spoken over yourself
3. Repent of making unforgiveness a stronghold in your life
4. Release the power of God by biblically releasing the pain from those who have hurt you
5. Renew your relationship with Christ because he is the truth that will set you free

This message really touched my heart today and it is my pleasure to share it. I'm really looking forward to next week and lie #2 which is: I'm broken beyond repair.

Stuck in the Middle

I have become of the the most indecisive people on the planet. I'm trying really hard to trust my feelings on things and to think for myself but it's really hard. I've allowed myself to rely on others to help me make decisions for so long that this solo thing is a little stressful. I want to just do everything my heart tells me to but it's so scary. And I've noticed that when I finally decide something, there's something else that comes up and makes me question my decision.


I pray about things all the time. Sometimes I ask God to show me a sign that I'm doing what is right. I know that's stupid but I just don't want to keep making the same mistakes. The thing is I've lied to myself so many times just so I can go with the popular opinion, just so my friends or family won't be mad at me. Even if that meant not doing what my heart wanted me to do. I'll come up with every reason in the book to back up my decision, knowing in my heart it's a choice I didn't want to make. And I've been consumed with what people thing for so long it's ridiculous. Especially in the end when I'm the one that has to deal with the consequences of that decision. When I'm in my apartment thinking about things that I've done, I'm alone. The naysayers aren't there. It's me and my box of Kleenex thinking, "What did I do?" or "Why did I do that?".

I've decided recently to follow my heart about something and it turned out to be a little too late. I put all my cards out on the table and basically said, I've been wrong.... A LOT and I'm sorry. It didn't work in my favor and to be honest, it's ok. I sort of expected that. I didn't expect it to hurt that bad, but I expected the outcome. So now I've just decided to let go and move on. In trying to do that though I keep getting put in these situations that are telling me that letting go is not the right thing to do. It's so hard because I'm completely clueless. I know what I want but I don't know if it's the right thing. I keep praying about it but I haven't gotten an answer yet, I think. I'm not even sure I would know if I had been given the answer already. I'm just so confused.

The Reading Queen

So I've begun to notice that whenever I'm about to fly to New York I buy a new book. For Thanksgiving it was The Notebook and over Christmas it was Nights in Rodanthe. Yes, I'm a fan of Nicholas Sparks. I can't wait to see My Sister's Keeper in the movies so last week I picked up the book. Now usually, I'm slightly annoyed by a delayed flight, but I started the book and hardly noticed I had been sitting for 3 hours. I started on a Thursday and by Saturday night I was done. It is pretty amazing. I've had a rough couple of days but some of the passages in this book seemed like they were talking right to me. Kind of like I was meant to read them. Corny? Absolutely! Do I really care? Not so much :) FYI, I've completely forgotten how to properly quote from a book so bear with me. Here are my faves:

"There are some things we do because we convince ourselves it would be better for everyone involved. We tell ourselves that it's the right thing to do, the altruistic thing to do. It's far easier than telling ourselves the truth."

"We are a study of contrasts-hard to soft, fair to dark, frantic to smooth-and yet there is something about the fit of us that makes me realize neither of us would be quite right without the other. We are a Mobius strip, two continuous bodies, an impossible tangle."

"The earth's axis wobbles. Life isn't nearly as stable as we want it to be."

"You don't love someone because they're perfect....You love them in spite of the fact that they're not."

Since I had finished My Sister's Keeper while still in New York, I picked up Michael J. Fox's Always Looking Up: The Adventures of an Incurable Optimist. Now I have loved Michael J. Fox since he played Alex P. Keaton. I read his other book and LOVED it so I figured I'd give his new one a shot. With the week I'd been having, I needed a little optimism. I just started it yesterday and I'm halfway done. I've found a couple little gems in it as well. He quotes other people a lot and one by Jim Hightower (no clue who he is) really made me laugh.

"Even a little dog can piss on a big building."

And another by Christopher Reeve states, "Don't give up, don't lose hope, don't sell out."

And this one by Michael J. Fox himself seems to be my favorite, "You suffer the blow, but you capitalize on the opportunity left open in its wake."

I've read all of these at just the right time that I needed to. I know there are no coincidences with the Lord. He knew what i was needing to hear. I share them with you in the hopes that if you need them, here they are, and if not, you know where to find them for future reference.

Happy to be Nappy...Sort of

Most people that know me are aware of the fact that I could start my own United Nations with the different nationalities that make up my DNA. What I find quite irritating is the constant feeling of having to prove my Blackness, Latinaness, Whiteness, or Native Americanness to people. I was in court (for work) one day and was having a conversation about hair with some of the other women who work there. I had mentioned that I needed to find a hair salon because I was due for a relaxer soon and my hair was getting nappy. This one woman almost fell out of her chair the minute the words left my mouth. She said, "Oh please! Do you hear her? Her hair is nappy?! I'm not even talking to you anymore." Now, this was the first time she had ever said it but since then, anytime the topic of hair comes up, she says it after anything I happen to say. She's not the only one I've ever heard this from either.

Now hear me out. I do understand that my hair is not as nappy as some, but make no mistake, it gets nappy. There are better things I could be doing with my $70 every other month than getting my hair relaxed. And since when do we measure our Blackness by how nappy our hair is or how often we straighten it? Am I any less Black because I relax mine every other month and you do yours every three weeks? And if that's the case, aren't you decreasing your Blackness by relaxing your hair in the first place? Why don't you go natural and sport an afro if nappiness proves Blackness. And since when is there are Blackness scorecard? Do you get 5 points for relaxing your hair every couple of weeks? 10 points for being dark skinned. 20 points if you were raised in the ghetto. Did I mention the woman who made the comment in the first place was married to a White man? Minus 5 points. I'm kidding! But you get the point that I'm trying to make.

And while we're on the topic, let me just throw it out there that who I date is a personal decision that has nothing to do with anyone else besides me and the guy I'm seeing. If I find you attractive and you ask me out I'm going. It's that simple. Am I attracted to lighter skinned men? Yes. Does it mean I have something against dark skinned men? No. There are people who really want to come down on me for that but I can't understand why. I see it as broadening my horizons, making our world a little more colorful. I just don't understand how some people see it as a betrayal to my Blackness. I've never dated an Asian man before does that mean I don't like Asians? No! And who's to say you're not being close-minded by only dating people that are the same race as you? Hmm... What happened? No comeback for that huh?

We go around calling each other brother and sister but if you were really my sister wouldn't you just want me to be happy? Would my boyfriend's skin tone really matter? Would how many times a year I visit the hair salon be that important? I'm sure there are enough people in this world who would stand in line to put us down, why do we have to do it to each other? How about we stop measuring nappiness and start measuring humanness? Instead of asking someone how often they relax their hair, ask them when was the last time they helped someone who was in need. How about you ask someone when was the last time they did something nice when no one was looking? With everything that's happening in our country, isn't there something better we could be doing than wanting people to prove themselves? Stop. Just stop.

I'm off my soap box now. Love, peace, and hair grease.

Letting Go

I woke up today and was a little mad at myself. It was over 85 degrees out. The sun was shining. And I let myself stay in bed until 1 in the afternoon. I hadn't been out late the night before. I actually went to bed really early for a Saturday but yet I stood in bed. I told myself enough is enough and got up, took a shower, grabbed my ipod and headed out to Lake Lynn. I've had enough of the prison I call an apartment. Life is going to go on whether I get out of bed or not so I might as well join in and see what it has to offer.

Lake Lynn is about 2 miles around. I put on my headphones and start walking. Now, it's gorgeous out and there are a bunch of people walking, jogging, biking & all the other stuff you do at the lake. Of course I take notice of the people around me. There's a woman who started walking a few feet ahead of me so I make her my rabbit. As long as I can see her I know I'm at a good pace. Well, before I knew it she was gone. I tell myself not to worry, just enjoy the walk. I'm starting to get a little warm and can feel the sweat forming on my neck. There's a marker coming up and I'm thinking great I'm at mile 1. SIKE! I had only walked 1/2 a mile. It's OK. I can do this. I walk a little further and I realize I'm seeing people I had already seen. I'm that slow I'm getting lapped. The runners and bikers I can understand, but the walkers?! I'm getting lapped by walkers. I tell myself it's ok and keep walking. I just walked by the 1 3/4 mile mark and was lapped for the second time by an elderly man. He looked at me and smiled. I couldn't help but chuckle. Someone's grandpa just lapped me walking. And FYI it took me 40 minutes to walk 2 miles.

As I got to my car, I was proud of myself. I had finally peeled myself off the couch. I did something that was calming for me and it was healthy. Nothing bad happened. There wasn't a mean ogre waiting for me when I was done. No one was there saying na na nana na you're by yourself. It was perfectly okay. When I got home I wanted to cash in on my new found boldness. I grabbed my phone and erased the call log and the numbers of anyone I had every dated. I checked my email and erased their contact info and any emails they had sent me and vice versa. I even deleted the trash bin. It sounds silly but if you know me, that was a big step. Someone keeps telling me I can't move forward if I keep looking back. Well, it's full speed ahead from now on. No more staying in bed all day, missing church because I'm in a funk, pity parties, etc. I'm done! For real this time. The only person that can hold me back is me. I already have plans for next weekend and all I have to say is, grandpa is going down!

Feeling Encouraged

It has occurred to me today that I have some really special people in my life. Sometimes I get down on myself and forget that no matter what there are still people who love me, are willing to encourage, and would never purposely hurt me. I've been struggling lately trying to figure out what it is I truly want to do with my life and it has been amazing to see how different people's responses are when I tell them. One friend's reaction was along the lines of "well that sucks for you now doesn't it?" while another friend immediately tried to brainstorm with me. A third friend proceeded to tell me about how I encouraged him and suggested that whatever I do, it should be something where I'm helping to build people up. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even when you feel you're the worst, there is always someone who thinks you're the best. I have a friend of facebook who every afternoon changes her status to a positive message. She calls them Midday Reflections. Today's post read:

Hopelessness is a miserable trap that blinds a believer from seeing the Lord. The only way out is to deliberately focus on Christ through praise, prayer, and Scripture. This is probably the last thing a discouraged person wants to do, but hope awaits those who are willing to see life from God's perspective.

I really needed that today....

Random questions on a Friday

1. Why do some married people make you feel like you're crazy because you're single?



I've been thinking about this one for a while now. I know that I'm 31. I know that a good majority of women my age are already married, some with children. Do I sometimes get sad when I think of it? YES! Does it make me a wackadoo because sometimes I get a little scared that it's not going to happen? NO! I have a message for all the married folk who make their single friends feel like losers because they're not married. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN SINGLE! Don't tell me that before you met your spouse you never once thought, "Oh my goodness, what if it doesn't happen for me?" Because guess what, you're so telling tales. And if you did think it, I only have three words for you LEAVE ME ALONE! Stop making the single people feel less than, it's not cool.



2. Why do people give me the "aww poor thing" look when I tell them I don't have plans for the weekend?



Just because I'm single doesn't mean I have to whoop it up every weekend. Please see three words in all caps from question #1.



3. Is it just me or do the people chosen to be on The Bachelor/Bachelorette make you think, you're too cute to not be able to find someone?



I'll admit, the first guy was a little fugs, but since then they've all been pretty good looking. If the hot people need to go on a reality show to find "true love" where does it leave the average folk like me?